Life: It also gets tiring to pretend…

The truth is, despite the facade my family showcases to other people, the other people seems to know that everthing is just a facade. They know it. I know it. I hate it.

I hate that I love my family despite how horrible our lives are. I hate that despite how horrible our lives our, I still find time to care, to love, and to seem to think that we are a family better than others. When in fact, we are not.

You won’t ever meet a family like mine.

My dad loves to say bad words. He can say one full sentence just filled with horrible bad words. Sometimes I want to kill him because his mouth is so dirty. Apart from that, he calls us all names. Names that are funny to him, but painful to us. Painful for me. He loves to curse too. When he is really mad, he curses me. He tells me that I’ll never be successful. That I am stuck here studying medicine forever. He curses me because he hates his life. And in return, I wish I would have the strength to curse him back. But I’m scared because despite everything…I can’t bring myself to do it. I hate my father most of the time. He is also very dirty. The nature of his work is dirty. I get it. But at home, can’t he be a clean and decent human being? It’s as if I have a dirty man as a father. And yes, though he knows when to clean up, sometimes I find it so hard to look at him because I know that underneath his expensive clothes is just another facade he is just showcasing. When I look at the other perfect fathers out there, I can’t help myself. I ask God where my own version of a perfect father is. A father I can really look up to because he has a pure heart. A father that I can be proud of. And a father that wouldn’t curse me. Curse everyone. Because with what he is doing, he’s making our life hopeless.

Then there is my mother. My mother who doesn’t have the courage to make things right. My mother who is moody. My mother who has favoritism. Don’t get me wrong, my father has favoritism too. But my mother. My mother who is like an angel to you when she needs something, and a whole knew creature when she doesn’t. My mother…how can I describe the woman who I adore sometimes but don’t. My mother who can defend me from strangers, but not from family. My mother who I know doesn’t even love or like me that much? And so I ask God again…God, where is the mother I need when I need her? The mother who calls me in the middle of the day to ask if I had lunch already? The mother who really cares not because she has to but because she just does? Where is that mother, God?

Then my sister. My sister who doesn’t care about anything. The sister who is good at asking. But when it is my turn, makes no time for me…even for just answering questions. I bet that when I celebrate a milestone in my life, I won’t have that kind of sister who would arrange all the details. My sister wouldn’t care. She wouldn’t. Because she doesn’t care about anyone. She doesn’t even care about herself. God, don’t I deserve to have a sister like me? I wish I had another version of myself. Because I know I’ll be that perfect sister. The perfect sister my sister isn’t even grateful for.

I have a brother. A brother who also uses me. A brother who physically hurts me when he is angry with me. A brother who is a devil most of the time. I don’t even know what to say about him. God, don’t I deserve an appreciative brother too?
God, don’t I deserve a happy family? A dad that has great dreams for his children and works smartly hard for them? A mother who is real and not living a facade in front of me? A sister who has my shoulder? A brother who stops telling me that no one loves me?

God, don’t I deserve beautiful and wonderful things too? Don’t I deserve it? Are you going to tell me thet you don’t love me too? I’m so tired, God. I’m so tired of being the best when no one is there to cheer on me anyway without a strike of jealousy. I am so tired of wanting to do my best for the people who hate me. I am so tired of living a life that started from sin. I’m so tired of pretending everything is well when it isn’t. I am so tired of everything that sometimes I wish I wasn’t. I’m so tired, Jess. Can’t I have the best of both worlds too? If you love me Jess, did you forget me when you showered blessings upon everyone I know? Please remember me, God. Please remember I need you too.

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