I’m looking for a benefactor who can save me.

The truth is…

Ever since I was little, I’ve always loved writing. I love writing. And, when in this country writing won’t bring you anywhere, I chose to love something else. And now, choosing that profession is making me feel guilty.

I chose premed as my course because writing cannot give me a good living. Like I said, writing is not really a success of a profession in my country. I chose premed for my college course. And when I made this decision, we still had money. Income was good, and support for what I chose was high. Everyone who I thought supported me, supported me. But little did I know that they never did. And they just made me realize this after we lost our only sole source of income.

At the middle of things, after losing our source of income, I had decided to quit premed, because I knew that we would not have the money. But, I was already an incoming third year, when things got really bad. And quitting cannot be an option. First, it would be an embarrassment to  everyone. And second, I know transferring and getting into a new good school was impossible. Third, writing won’t be a successful profession.

Every time my dad and I would fight, he would always tell me how I am his biggest problem—how much they need to spend for my education, and how long it will take until the day I will get to help them. It’s one thing that my dad makes me realize how stupid I was for picking a course which he supported me with when we had money, but it is another thing when your mother also agrees with him.

Every day in my life, I worry myself sick with how high of a grade I am supposed to have to get into a great medical school. I worry myself sick with thoughts regarding my future. Will I be successful?

Originally, I plan to study abroad after college. You can’t really be a well known doctor in the Philippines unless you study abroad and bring back gifts of knowledge. But right now, that isn’t even an option anymore. So, the only thing left is to get in UP, which I know will be very very difficult.

I hate it when my dad reminds me of how much of a burden I am, when he was the one who encouraged me in the first place. When everyone encouraged me in the first place. I basically don’t have a life not because I’m bad a socializing or being a people-person. It’s just that I really have to concentrate on my studies so that I can graduate with Latin honors. So that I can get into a good medical school. And so that I can get them to walk up the stage with me when I get a medal when I graduate. Sometimes, I think about what’s going on in their heads. Don’t they know why I am doing all these things? Why I stay home and study basically always? Why I isolate myself? Is it because there is something wrong with me? Or is it because I have to adjust to the fact that they can’t give me enough support in the future?

I have to get a Magna so that I can apply for scholarships. And maybe then, they would not think of me as such a big burden anymore. Because honestly, even when we had money, I was already a burden because they couldn’t afford to get the things they personally want anymore.

I wish I had just made the wrong mistake and took business. Then maybe it would have been the right choice today.

The truth always hurts. That’s what my dad says every time he insults and degrades me about what I chose. But you know what the real truth is for me? It’s the fact that ever since I was little, I experienced only little happiness. Because the family I grew up in was and still is always fighting. And what hurts me is that even after everything, I’m doing the best I can for them still. It’s really stupid, I know. But I wish, that this would be the truth that they would see.

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